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Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. The age when children try to bring up their parents. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children. Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. : A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life - himself; 6. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it; 2. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 3. Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog. Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you. “Broken, but let’s hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release. Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks. Afrophobia: Fear of the return of 1970s hairstyles. That which makes wine worth more and women less; 2. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead; 3. Ash Tray: Something for a cigarette but when there is no floor. Asphyxiation: What a surgeon does about an asphalt. Aspiring: A group of trainee secret service agents. Assumed Decimal Point: Located two positions to the right of a programmer’s current salary in estimating his own worth. Audience: A collection of people willing to pay to be bored. An obituary in serial form with the last installment missing. BAT: What you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula. Average Husband: One who isn’t as good as she thought he was before she married him, nor as bad as she thinks he is afterward. A person who doesn’t want much, and usually gets a little less than that; 2. The fellow who gets mad when you refer to him as the average man. A man who hasn’t yet come face-to-face with a feminine roadblock; 16. A man who will get married as soon as he can find a girl who will love him as much as he does; 22. A man with enough confidence in his judgement of women to act upon it; 26. Something you find a use for after you’ve bought it; 5. Bear Market: A six to eighteen month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. Beaurocracy: A system that enables ten men to do the work of one. Beauty: 1: A pretty, effective substitute for brains; 2. Beauty Shop: One who makes two smiles grow where one grew before. Because: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically. An intoxicating golden brew that re-emerges virtually unchanged one hour later; 3. The time when everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work. A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. Ambleside: The talk given about the Facts Of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon. A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair; 2. Ashdod: Any object against which a smoker habitually knocks out his pipe. Ast: (Southern) To interrogate or inquire, as when a revenue agent seeks information about illegal moonshine stills. It makes me mad.” Asteroid: Mathematical name for a toilet seat. Astronaut: A whirled traveller - the only man who is glad to be down and out. Astrovertisement: An advertisement fashioned on the earth’s surface, of such a size that it can be picked up by satellite imaging. The religion devoted to the worship of one’s own smug sense of superiority; 2. Auditor: A person who goes in after the war is lost to bayonet the wounded. A book that proves that the only thing wrong with its author is his memory; 2. Average Person: One who thinks someone else is the average person. An eligible mass of obstinacy entirely surrounded by suspicion; 27. Something that’s so reasonable they won’t take it back when you find out what’s wrong with it; 6. An outward gift, which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused; 3. Beccles: The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed dentists. Beehive: An order given by bees to their misbehaving children. Carbonated, malt-based, alcohol beverage which, when drunk in quantity, will keep your husband chubby, out of shape, slow witted, gassy and sexually unappealing. Belper: A knob of someone else’s chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody’s thigh under their skirt. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights. Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Airplane: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets. Alimentary Canal: The passage through the human body from which President Reagan’s ’trickle down’ theory of economics was based. Antique Furniture: What you get from living with children. A place where the landlord and the tenant are both trying to raise the rent; 2. Apocryphal: A statement or story which is widely circulated, believed to be true, but probably isn’t. An exchange of ignorance (see also Discussion - an exchange of knowledge). The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith. Army Captain: A uniform with two chips on each shoulder. Arpeggio: The story book kid with the big nose that grows. Back Four Seconds: What a clock does when it’s hungry. Airplanes: One of those things that’s of no earthly use. Antique Shop: A junk store that has raised its prices. Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you’ve been listening to your neighbour’s. This includes the collective works of Dick Cheney & Michael Moore. Arithmetic: Being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. Armed: Is a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Back Nine: The final 27 holes of an 18-hole golf course. Airflow: Condition of a car created by putting the wife in the back seat. Antiques: 1: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people; 2. See also most of the information the government tells you. Back-Up: Recommended if you meet a skunk in the woods.

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Addis Ababa: The torrent of incomprehensible gibberish which emanates from the loudspeakers on top of cars covered in stickers. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. The quality that enables a person to wait in well-mannered silence while the loudmouth gets the service; 2. Bubblegum: Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. Caricature: The tribute that mediocrity pays to genius. The still small voice that makes you feel still smaller; 8. The quality that keeps a woman smiling when a departing guest stands at the open screen door and lets the flies in. The period during which a man spends so much on his girlfriend that he finally marries her for his money; 4.

Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record. Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month. Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold. Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books. Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures). Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it. Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin. Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office. Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it. Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2.

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